


Inked In The Pages

by cumaliciouslarry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Past Abuse, Poetry, Slight trigger warning, it's all okay in the end promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-25
Updated: 2015-11-25
Packaged: 2018-05-03 07:39:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5282399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cumaliciouslarry/pseuds/cumaliciouslarry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A well-kept journal, spilling all of Harry's pain and secrets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Inked In The Pages

**Author's Note:**

> All poems in this story were written myself. Please, do not attempt to steal or reuse any unless given permission. Thank you.

Louis simply can not be blamed for sneaking a peek into Harry’s journal. He’s been good for 5 years and well, the green eyed lad just left his journal on the coffee table. It was going to happen sooner or later.

 

_February 8, 2010_

_Today I met a beautiful boy_

_He lives next door_

_His smile lights up the room_

_His eyes are the prettiest blue_

_He told me his name; I thought_

_February is a good month_

_To fall in love_

_-HS_

 

Louis stills his reading. Quickly composing himself and rereading the passage. He gulps, ignoring the guilty feeling now growing inside him.

 

_February 14, 2010_

_I know that we just met_

_Maybe this is dumb_

_But it feels like there was something_

_From the moment that we touched_

_'Cause, it's alright, it's alright_

_I wanna make you mine_

_The way you're lightin' up the room_

_Caught the corner of my eye_

_We can both sneak out the back door_

_We don't have to say goodbye_

_'Cause, it's alright, it's alright_

_To waste time tonight_

_Maybe I'm just a kid in love_

_Maybe I'm just a kid in love_

_Oh, baby_

_If this is what it's like falling in love_

_Then I don't ever wanna grow up_

_Maybe I'm just a kid in love_

_It'd be cool if it's the two of us_

_But I don't ever wanna grow up_

_'Cause I got it all_

_And I got it all_

_And I don't ever wanna grow up_

_Said, your place is kinda close_

_And your 'Rents are out of town_

_Baby, there's no pressure_

_But if you're down, I'm down_

_'Cause, it's alright, it's alright_

_To just talk tonight_

_If you're feeling kinda crazy_

_Turn down the lights_

_We can take our time_

_Do whatever you like_

_It's alright, it's alright_

_I wanna make you mine_

_Maybe I'm just a kid in love_

_-HS_

 

Skipping and glancing through the journal, he stops on one entry that catches his eye.

 

_January 1, 2011_

 

_I saw you kiss Hannah when the clock struck midnight. I don’t know why I imagined you running up to me and kissing me under the fireworks. One can dream I guess. We’ve been friends for a while now; I’d like to think we’re best friends. That’s all we’ll ever be. That’s okay, though. As long as you’re happy and I get to be around you. I love you, Louis._

 

_Settle down with me_

_Cover me up_

_Cuddle me in_

 

_Lie down with me_

_And hold me in your arms_

 

_And your heart's against my chest, your lips pressed to my neck_

_I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet_

_And with a feeling I'll forget, I'm in love now_

 

_Kiss me like you wanna be loved_

_You wanna be loved_

_You wanna be loved_

_This feels like falling in love_

_Falling in love_

_We're falling in love_

 

_Settle down with me_

_And I'll be your safety_

_You'll be my baby_

 

_I was made to keep your body warm_

_But I'm cold as the wind blows so hold me in your arms_

 

_Oh no_

_My heart's against your chest, your lips pressed to my neck_

_I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet_

_And with this feeling I'll forget, I'm in love now_

 

_Kiss me like you wanna be loved_

_You wanna be loved_

_You wanna be loved_

_This feels like falling in love_

_Falling in love_

_We're falling in love_

 

_Yeah I've been feeling everything_

_From hate to love_

_From love to lust_

_From lust to truth_

_I guess that's how I know you_

_So I hold you close to help you give it up_

 

_So kiss me like you wanna be loved_

_You wanna be loved_

_You wanna be loved_

_This feels like falling in love_

_Falling in love_

_We're falling in love_

 

Now Louis should really stop reading, but he is in too deep. He can’t go back, he doesn’t think he can keep going either. His hands are shaking and his breathing is coming out sharply.

 

He keeps going.

 

_June 14, 2011_

 

_Learning you_

_Learning the shape of your face_

_Learning what makes you laugh_

_Learning the curve of your lips_

_Learning what you love_

_I am so lucky_

_To learn you_

_To love you_

 

_-HS_

 

_December 24, 2011_

 

_On Christmas Eve we were given a gift._

_A gift that comes with sparkling blue eyes._

_One that comes with a sharp laugh and witty replies._

_Who loves to love. Who loves to do._

_He is soft and warm. He is fragile and open._

_On Christmas Eve we were given a gift._

_He comes with a bow and a smile so kind._

 

_-HS_

 

_March 28, 2012_

 

_I miss you Lou. You’re out in London, doing whatever it is 20 year olds do. I’m only 18 and still stuck in this tiny village. You always tell me how much I’ve grown, but you’re out doing god knows what. Doing God knows who. Anway. I love you. Here’s another one for you._

 

_What if_

_What if we run away_

_What if_

_What if we left today_

_What if_

_We say goodbye to safe and sound_

_And what if_

_What if we're hard to find_

_What if_

_What if we lost our minds_

_What if_

_We left them far behind, and there never found_

 

_And when the lights start flashing like a photobooth_

_And the stars exploding_

_We'll be fireproof_

 

_My youth_

_My youth is yours_

_Trippin' on skies, sippin' waterfalls_

_My youth_

_My youth is yours_

_Runaway now and forevermore_

_My youth_

_My youth is yours_

_A truth so loud you can't ignore_

_My youth, my youth, my youth_

_My youth is yours_

 

_What if_

_What if we start to drive_

_What if_

_What if we close our eyes_

_What if_

_Speeding through red lights to paradise_

_Cause we've no time for getting old_

_Mortal body; timeless souls_

_Cross your fingers, here we go_

 

_And when the lights are flashing like a photobooth_

_And the stars exploding_

_We'll be fireproof_

 

_My youth_

_My youth is yours_

_Trippin' on skies, sippin' waterfalls_

_My youth_

_My youth is yours_

_Runaway now and forevermore_

 

_September 3, 2013_

 

_You got a girlfriend. You seem to love her very very much. She’s lovely, I’ll give you that. You sure do know how to pick them. I got my own flat in London closer to you; I was so excited to have you over and show you around. I thought I did a pretty good job making it homey. I was quite surprised to find a slim pretty brunette wrapped around you. I tried my hardest to not break down right there in front of you and Eleanor. I thought you and Hannah were bad. You and Eleanor are absolutely disgusting. In the best way, of course. I haven’t invited you over since, which was a couple weeks ago. Uni hasn’t started yet, so I’ve only stayed inside wallowing in my self pity. It’s not like you’ve tried to contact me anyway. You haven’t even tried to show me around London. That hurts you know? But… I’ll be fine._

 

_I'm down to my skin and bone_

_And my mommy, she can't put down the phone_

_And stop asking how I'm doing all alone, alone_

_But the truth is the stars are falling, ma_

_And the wolves are out c-calling, ma_

_And my home has never felt this far_

 

_But all this driving_

_Is driving me crazy_

_And all this moving_

_Is proving to get the best of me_

_And I've been trying to hide it_

_But lately_

_Every time I think I'm better_

_Pickin' my head up, getting nowhere_

 

_Take me back to the basics and the simple life_

_Tell me all of the things that make you feel at ease_

_Your touch, my comfort, and my lullaby_

_Holdin' on tight and sleepin' at night_

_Holdin' on tight and sleepin' at night_

 

_Now I'm down to my skin and bones_

_My baby listens to me on the phone_

_But I can't help feeling like I'm all alone, all alone_

_The truth is, the stars are falling, babe_

_And I'd never ever thought that I would say_

_I'm afraid of the life that I've made, I've made_

 

_But all this driving_

_Is driving me crazy_

_And all this moving_

_Is proving to get the best of me_

_And I've been trying to hide it_

_But lately_

_Every time I think I'm better_

_Pickin' my head up, getting nowhere_

 

_Take me back to the basics and the simple life_

_Tell me all of the things that make you feel at ease_

 

_I've been lyin' to them all_

_I don't need it anymore_

_Don't you worry about me_

_I'll be fine if I can breathe_

_I've been hidin' for too long_

_Taking shit for how I'm wrong_

_How I'm wrong_

_Always wrong_

 

_Take me back to the basics and the simple life_

_Tell me all of the things that make you feel at ease_

_Your touch, my comfort, and my lullaby_

_Holdin' on tight and sleepin' at night_

_Holdin' on tight and sleepin' at night_

 

_March 13, 2014_

 

_I fucking hate you! I can’t believe you. I’ve dealt with your bullshit for so long, Louis. All the ignored phone calls, all the cancelled plans. All for your fucking girlfriend. I’m supposed to be your best friend! How dare you get mad at me for stating the truth, that I’ve felt neglected ever since she came around. You go around and tell me I’m jealous because no one else wants me. Well fuck you. You don’t know how much that fucking hurt. It’s true. Are you happy? I don’t want anyone else. I fucking want you! But you don’t want me. You never have and I don’t understand why I keep pining over you. Why I keep holding on to this hope that one day you will just wake up and want me back. Everyone knows how hopelessly in love with you I am. Zayn and Liam, hell even oblivious Niall knows!_

 

_I am fucking 20 years old pining over someone who doesn’t want him. How pathetic am I? How pathetic am I for even craving the attention of a best friend, right Louis? I should be going out and getting laid. I’m a fucking virgin because I’ve been saving myself for you. Isn’t that the saddest thing in the world. I am so fucked, Louis. You don’t understand. I wish I didn’t love you. I really wish I didn’t. I love you._

 

_-HS_

 

_April 21, 2014_

 

_I’ve met a guy. I’ve met a guy and his eyes aren’t a bright blue and his smile doesn’t compare to yours, but he wants me. He wants me the way you don’t. He’s taller and he’s not as soft. He’s quite bland, but he brings me flowers and asks me how my day was. He tells me I’m beautiful and asks me to lunch. You still don’t talk to me the same as before the fight. You don’t call anymore, nor text. I’ve met a guy and he’s not you, but it’ll do._

 

_-HS_

  
  
  


_October 11, 2014_

 

_It hurts. I am hurting. I settled for less because you don’t love me the way I love you. I am so pathetic maybe I deserve the pain that he brings. He tells me I was beautiful, but I am now tainted. He read my journal Lou. He read it and he’s punishing me for being pathetic._

 

_The scars and the bruising_

_Doesn’t compare to that in my heart_

_From the silence of your voice_

_And the scowl of your stare_

_When you bother to ask_

_When you bother to pretend_

_I’ll say I’m okay_

_To hide the bruises_

_Of my own fault_

 

_-HS_

 

Louis sobs. He sobs hard and loud because he remembers. He remembers when he shut Harry out because he didn’t want to have to deal with splitting his time with his best friend and girlfriend. At the time, Eleanor had been the most important person to him. He remembers Harry finally settling down with someone. He remembers Zayn giving him accusatory looks. He remembers meeting the one who was “taking care of Harry”. He hadn’t even noticed that something was awfully wrong with Harry and his boyfriend.

 

_February 14, 2015_

 

_He wouldn’t stop. He wouldn’t stop when I told him I didn’t want to do it. We hadn’t done anything too sexual, I always thought I was lucky for that. I was saving myself for you, Louis. He took me because it’s valentine's day and he said you’d never want me. I can’t do this anymore. I have to go. I have to go somewhere far away from here. This was supposed to be our fresh start. I was going to finish Uni and we were gonna do whatever it is best mates do together. Instead I’ve been cast away and torn apart. Physically and mentally. My hands don’t ever stop shaking. I have nightmares and I can’t eat. I am so scared. I am so scared. I’m leaving tonight. I can’t be here anymore. I’ve already had a suitcase packed just in case._

 

_The last we’ve spoken to each other was a little over three weeks ago, but I still love you. You don’t care and I know that. No one will ever know the real reason I left. No one will ever find out how disgusting I am. I have to go now before Greg wakes up._

 

_-HS_

 

Zayn had called him that day, panicking. Greg had called him not knowing where Harry had left to. No one was in contact with him for a month. They were all worried sick, however the boys wouldn’t tell Louis much. They were probably aware of how much of a dick he was being. After a while, Greg just disappeared not seeming to bother anymore. A short time later, Harry called explaining where he had been for a month and a half. For weeks afterwards, Zayn, Liam, and Niall shut Louis out. They all brushed him off when he tried to question them. Harry did eventually reach out to Louis telling him he went out to Los Angeles, for reasons he didn’t go to in depth about. Louis felt the dread consume him as he sat on his couch with Harry’s journal open. He was the shittiest person to walk the Earth.

 

_May 9, 2015_

 

_You came to visit today, Louis. You seemed to actually care about me. Maybe you were just down about your break up with Eleanor. You cuddled me and told me you missed me, though. You’re here for a whole two weeks. I’m happy that I can get to spend time with you. You mean the world to me, even after all this time. I’m happy to have my best friend back. I love you._

 

_It’s been months_

_But it’s felt like years_

_Since you’ve looked at me that way_

_Since you’ve seemed to care_

_I was deprived of an affection_

_I craved constantly_

_The world stopped turning_

_And I stopped breathing_

_But I am alive again_

_Please don't leave_

 

_November 22, 2015_

 

_Sometimes I can still feel his hands. Hear his words grunted in my ear. I’ll shrink into myself, forget I must exist. He took a part of me I will never get back, took my safety and life. I feel dead at times. A walking corpse with a beating heart. What good can a beating heart do, when you are completely numb? I am scared I might never be okay again. No one knows when I wake up in pain. I can still see the blood. There’s blood on my hands and blood on the sheets. I can hear him telling me I will be completely alone. Telling only the truth, but it still hurts. I want to reach out to my old self, warn him to stay away. It is too late now. And I don’t know if I know how to be okay._

 

_-HS_

The journal entry only being written two days ago startles Louis. Of course he doesn’t expect Harry to be fine after being taken advantage of and abused for, God knows how long. He closes the book and curls into himself. He doesn’t know how long he stays like that, hunched on the corner of the old couch in his dim living room. It must be a while, because a loud Harry stumbles in with multiple bags in both hands.

 

“Nope. I don’t need any help thanks. I only bought food to make _you_ dinner because you can’t cook to save your life.” Harry complains dramatically as he stumbles to the kitchen, not sparing a glance at Louis. “Nope. Don’t answer me neither, I’m only your personal chef and maid dearest Lou.”

 

After a couple minutes of silence, a concerned Harry rushes over to Louis. “Lou, are you okay?” His green eyes search Louis’. Louis looks up at Harry and sobs. He clutches onto him while Harry shushes him and speaks endearments into his ear. It’s ridiculous and makes him slightly more hysterical. Harry should be the one crying, Louis should be the one comforting him. Louis feels the immense pain that probably plagued Harry for so long. The downfall of their friendship happened when Harry needed him the most. Louis was supposed to be there for his best friend. But he wasn’t.

 

“Babe, what’s wrong?” Harry’s large hands cradle Louis’ jaw. He gulps, knowing he has to mention it. He doesn’t want to ruin Harry’s trip here, but he has no other choice. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Louis questions, removing Harry’s hands from his jaw.

 

Harry looks at him with furrowed eyebrows, “Why didn’t I tell you what?” Louis can only close his eyes before whispering out, “That you loved me and were hurt by that bastard?” There’s a dead silence that fills the room. When Louis opens his eyes, he’s met with a stunned Harry clutching onto his arms.

 

“I- what? How did you…” Harry looks startled for a moment, before looking so very heartbroken and tired, “You read my journal.” Louis nods and for another five minutes, no one says anything.

 

“I’m sorry that I read your journal. I’m even more sorry that I was never there for you when you needed me most. God, I’m so fucking sorry Harry. You were being abused and I didn’t notice. I was too busy with my pathetic love life to see that you were hurting. Fuck Haz, you were _raped_.” And at that, the world seems to crash onto Harry. He sobs and doesn’t stop. Not when Louis falls on the floor to take him into his arms. Not when Louis reassures him that he’s okay now. Both Louis and Harry clutch onto each other and sob. Harry cries because of the pain he’s gone through, and a feeling he can never wash away. Louis cries for a love wasted and a young boy’s pain.

 

They both fall asleep together, there on the floor of Louis’ flat. With the November air coming through the open window and each other bodies keeping one another warm.

 

When they wake the next day, they don’t talk about it. They get up, and together walk to wipe their faces down. They get changed into comfy clothing and when they’re both in the bathroom having finished brushing their teeth, Louis brings Harry down and kisses him in the dim bathroom lighting. They stay like that, lips pressed together until Louis pulls back and walks out the bathroom door.

 

Later when they’re cuddled in Louis’ bed, Harry takes Louis’ hands in his and apologizes. Louis kisses him and makes sure he knows he is never leaving. They talk until the moon is high in the sky, and it’s too dark for Louis to really know where his lips land on Harry’s body. So when there’s marks on Harry’s neck and a cautious Louis between his legs, he lets Louis take care of him. He is terrified, scared to death. But when Louis reassures him of how gorgeous he is and how much he loves him, Harry lets himself go.

 

_February 16, 2019_

_Today I met a beautiful boy_

_He stood on an altar waiting for me_

_His smile lighted up the room_

_His eyes shone the prettiest blue_

_He told me his vows; I thought_

_February is a good month_

_To fall in love again_

_-HS_

**Author's Note:**

> Songs used in the story. In order of beginning to end.
> 
> -Kid In Love by Shawn Mendes  
> -Kiss Me by Ed Sheeran  
> -YOUTH by Troye Sivan  
> -EASE by Troye Sivan
> 
> Tumblr: @Takeherheartaway  
> Twitter: @Sweetenedlarryy


End file.
